This is something I've always felt whenever I leave Manila. Call it strange or weird but whenever I fly out of Manila, the worst stopover for me emotionally speaking is always the first one.
A lot of my countrymen board the plane with me in Manila. As one checks in for one's flight or while one waits in the transit lounge, one hears all the friendly chatter and jokes. I would even strike up a conversation or two with some fellow travelers to while away the wait time. These talks tend to continue onto and throughout the flight.
But once we get to our stopover, (be it Hongkong, Tokyo, or Beijing or wherever else it may be) where we all start going our separate ways to different connecting flights that would take us to our respective destinations around the globe, that's when a feeling of sadness and loneliness comes over me.
Most of them stay together bound for destinations either in the Middle East or in some other Asian country. Very few, if at all, remain to continue their flights towards the United States. Thus, as the sound and presence of my kababayans (countrymen) both fade, I find myself feeling increasingly alone.
It is at such stopovers where I get to see right in front of me how we, as a people, physically part with each other to fulfill our own dreams in our own little corners of the world. It is sad and yet it is a reality that a lot of us deal with. I know a lot of us wish that things were a lot different but since fate dealt us all a different hand, we have no other choice but to make the best of what's available to us.
Having lived away from the country for many years, I thought that such lonely feeling would go away because America is now a place I call home. Or if the feeling hadn't gone away, I had at least expected that its intensity would have been reduced by the passage of time. But my last few trips showed me that I still feel the same way after all these years. The feeling is still there, still intense after all these years. I no longer think that it'll ever change. America is what I call my legal home now because of what I need to do with my life. But that familiar lonely feeling I get at that first stopover is proof positive that a part of me still longs for my old home.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
That Familiar Lonely Feeling
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40 responses:
this piece struck a chord epecially the last two paragraphs. on a national level nga lang. hehe.
ganyan din ako when i leave my hometown, after a brief vacation, for manila. there's the loneliness (of leaving a laidback small city life) and the looking forward (of my fast-paced big city life).
i guess one cannot have the best of both worlds.
pards medyo tinamaan yung puso ko sa sinulat mong ito...di ka nagbabago di tulad ng iba na tinakwil na ang pilipinas...kahit saan ka tumira o kahit saan bansa ka..ramdam ko parin ang ugaling pilipino na dala dala mo...pilipino!..humahanga ako!
I can relate to this, from the first word to the last punctuation mark. So sad, really sad to think that we, us children of our motherland, has to live to far away places in order for our family (country) to survive.
They said that pinoys are born migrants. I believe so.
With the exception of Japan where roaming is impossible, I try to keep you company as much as possible. Thanks to the unlimited plan. :)
Seriously, there are hard to swallow trade-offs that we do in order to create a better life for ourselves and our family.
aww. that feeling. of belonging to two but not really, not fully.
it is fast becoming common as the world gets smaller.
ditto @atticus! You never fully belong and yet when your'e home, something lacks to fully connect...
Patriotic :) Our own country is the place called home and our county men our called family, well... in some case :D
Oh well, one day when your SO joins you there you won't be lonely anymore, hehe. :-D
Here's a funny story, a friend who migrated to the States 25 years ago first chose to settle in Daly City. Puro Pinoy daw kasi doon at hindi siya malo-lonely. Years later I found out that he moved, far away from the Pinoy communities. When asked why, all he said was, "Damn, para rin kasi akong nasa Piipinas. Hanggang dito ba naman dala pa rin yung inggitan, intrigues and regionalism..."
I think this is exactly what some people say that "there's no place like HOME."
It is especially true if most of your loved ones are left in Pinas. Thank God for internet and cellphone. At least we get to connect with them often and feel they're just around somehow. :)
I would put a timeline for sentimentality regarding our homeland; if you graduated high school backhome, there will be lots of memories and will certainly miss the islands. On the other hand, if you left at an early age, attended primary or high school in the US, most likely there's not much to dwell on back home. My wife is in that predicament and her younger siblings - they never went back, no desire whatsoever to see it.
Our country is so corrupt and if it weren't for that - majority if not all the expats will visit the homeland for one reason or another.
Cheers and season's greetings to all!
I can just imagine what you're feeling. While I have done some traveling myself, it has always been for a short vacation. Even then, the excitement I feel when going home have always been just as intense as visiting another land, even more.
bakerman! you're back! :)
you can say that again... and again... no matter how we wish to stick all together, that time where we'll all go our separate ways will come....
and no matter how much a lot of Filipinos aims for the gold there in the US (without the recession that is), nothing and no place can replace your own true home...
oh i love the Philippines! :)
Well...I can't relate...of course my situation is different since I really opted to live in another country... but I like this feeling of being an outsider... the feeling of not being part of...of being an alien...
I can't image I would be able to live my whole life in the same village/city where I was born... after some time... I get bored... I need to move on...other sights, other people...
0h, well...it's really hard to leave a place that has become dear to our hearts.
lalo na tayong mga pinoy na emosyonal.
there's a sense of disconnectedness when you're in a foreign airport all by yourself. i feel isolated during stopovers, the reason why i always bring a book and an iPod with me when i travel.
Oh I feel you, but sadly I can't relate. I have only been home once for a week on an errand run. And the whole time, I could not wait to get back home to Cal. As a matter of fact that was almost 10years ago and the flight back to US is fuzzy now in my mind.
But if you'd ask me, I prefer to be the one leaving than the one left behind.
The Scud,
True. It is that feeling that not quite "all" of you is in one place. A part was left behind and somehow, you can no longer recapture it even if you do come back.
Ever,
Maraming salamat, Pards. :)
Blogusvox,
So true, Pards. Whenever I stop over at say, HK or Tokyo, I envy the locals in both places for they have not seen the need to leave their country for distant shores simply because of the abundance of economic opportunities in their homeland. I wish the same was true with our country.
Mari,
You did keep me company. Thanks also to the unlimited calling plan brought to us by our sponsor, T-Mobile. :D
I sadly agree with the trade-offs.
Atticus,
I wonder if Western expats feel the same way once they leave their home countries. I ask the question because in most instances, their residence in a third world country (or another first world country) is often temporary in nature. They probably don't.
what can i say? kahit gano mo pa layuan o kainisan ang RP bottom line is, it's where you will always belong. ilang beses ka man magpalipat-lipat ng bansa, iisa at isia lang ang uuwian mo.
Mirage2g,
As first generation immigrants, I guess we will always have that "outsider" feeling. Not that bad generally but it does lead to moments of loneliness every once in a while.
This is one of the things I am sort of scared to deal with once I had to go back here from the vacation. There's really no place like home.
Meron ka lang na mi-miss sa Pinas bro. kaya ganyan hahaha :) Pero pag may naghihintay sa iyo sa States, parang ayaw mo ng mag stop over :)
Tutoong malungkot din and for me it is with my brods, their families my aunts and uncles who I will miss and won't see for another 5 years or so.
Aline,
True. There's truly no place like it.
Rudy,
I hope so too. :D
As for your friend, I must say that I can't blame him for deciding to move away from such an environment. There aren't too many Filipinos where I am too. But there are indeed places in the US (especially certain areas in San Francisco, LA, and New York, to name a few) where sometimes one feels like he/she isn't in America. It does tend to get tiring at a certain point because it tends to limit one's horizons.
I've always felt that one has to "mingle" with the rest of the populace and not just with one's own to truly get a taste of the "real" America.
Nyl,
I don't see myself as an emotional person but I can't help but feel the isolation every once in a while. I try to ignore it for the most part just to maintain my sanity but still, it still does get to me.
Abaniko,
That is so true. Thank God for the internet and the cellphone because both have indeed made communication a lot easier. It's hard to imagine now how people kept relationships alive prior to the advent of such technology.
TruBlue,
I agree with the timeline you mentioned. My cousin who left the Philippines when he was 8 years old belongs in the same camp as your wife. In my case, I completed all my schooling back home and thus, a huge part of my life was spent there.
Happy Holidays to you and your family too! Take care, my friend. :)
Rolly,
Thanks. When the feeling hits, it really hits.
My late uncle, for one, was an example. He had lived in the US for more than 20 years when my parents visited him 16 years ago. He toured them around and they had a good time. When it was time for my parents to return to Manila, he was beside himself with sadness.
The isolation and loneliness does get to people. Each of us just have our own way of coping with it.
Neuroticsister,
Amen to that, sister! :D
Sidney,
About that "alien" feeling you mentioned, when I moved to the States, I did like the fact that nobody knew me. I liked the fact that I was able to land a job based on my own efforts and worked my way up based on an unbiased assessment of my work. There were no external influences such as school and family connections that drove my progression. That's one challenge I really liked when I move here.
Lawstude,
It is hard. Certain places in the Philippines were even in my dreams in my first few years away from the country. The dreams about those places were quite vivid, down to the street signs.
Luna Miranda,
I bring a book and an IPod too but even with those, I still can't help but feel the isolation especially once I start looking around me and not seeing any Filipinos around.
Photo Cache,
It must be hard for both parties. I guess I would say I prefer to be the one who does the "leaving" depending on the destination.
Prinsesamusang,
Yes, ma'am. Tama po kayo. :)
Once a Pinoy, always a Pinoy.
WitsandNuts,
I kind of "dread" it too whenever I fly home. It is the thought that I would run into this feeling again once I leave the country that saddens me.
BW,
You're so correct, Pards. I miss a lot of people back home. I grew up very close not just to my immediate family but to all my cousins as well. I was also close to their children. I miss all that and in a way, I sometimes can't help but feel like I sold my soul to the devil when I decided to leave all of them to fulfill my own dreams abroad.
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